Hyperventilate
by TheDarkFlygon
Summary: Asking yourself "what am I supposed to?" over and over again won't help you find a solution.


_What are you supposed to do?_

That's the one question that keeps repeating in your mind. What are you supposed to do? It's not like you can escape the situation or walk around it like you wish you could right now… A bit more time would have been nice to get, of course, but the situation called for you and you're stuck here, unable to do what you're tasked with doing and it just _hurts_ to think about.

_What are you supposed to do? _

Okay, define the basic task at hand. Guard the cage. Stop the ball from entering the goal. Watch the forward's movements. Don't panic in front of the fire. Don't panic at all. Don't shake this badly, show you deserve to be here, show everyone they're right to trust you and that you don't feel like you didn't really earn your spot in the team. Show everyone you've always been meant to be there and that you don't think you don't have a thousand suggestions for a better goalkeeper. But defining these very basic tasks and reflexes doesn't help with the situation at all: these are just basic knowledge, and basic knowledge is not what the team needs right now.

_What are you supposed to do?_

It's not that you're the worst out there. You have talent, or so they say. You have the will to improve and work hard to reach your goals, they say. There's a reason you must be here, a reason Japan hasn't forfeited yet, so you need to do something. Just… try something, don't let yourself drown, don't let the others drown!

_But then, what are you supposed to do?_

You've discovered with horror the level of international players. You've discovered the "ultimate technique" doesn't work against them as well as it was supposed to do. You've discovered only the Captain and the others seem to be able to fight against them against their better judgement. You've discovered, to put it simply, that you suck and are unable to truly grasp away from the chains keeping you from reaching international level. What chains? You don't know. You haven't discovered that yet.

In full truth, you're probably never going to discover that.

_As such, what are you supposed to do?_

Using your current technique, even when pushed to its maximum, the maximum you can reach at least by focusing all your will and strength on it, is useless. You should use your work in progress, your own technique, the one you've worked on extensively and are still perfecting with the others' gracious help. Your work in progress is just that though: a work in progress. It's unfinished. Remember the last time you tried using an incomplete technique against someone? Yes, that time where you finished with ten goals in, wheezing as everyone else had to defend for you. Nice thing, wasn't it?

_Given this, what you supposed to do?_

Time is not a factor you can increase with your will. The teammates are falling one after the other, like flies, and you still don't know how you're supposed to stop a ball set on fire. Think. Would your captain, your role model, be scared? Would he be this terrified in front of it? No. He'd be ecstatic at the idea of trying to stop it, he'd be thumbing up the forward and they'd all have fun on the field. Even with high stakes he retains his smile and good mood, so…

So why can't you be like that, you _damn_ idiot?!

_Considering all this, what are you supposed to do?_

You just want an answer, one, so you can stop this and finally be of help. If… if everything could slow down, if just for a second, for a moment where you could finally tackle on the issue face-on and not panic like it's your first match with stakes in it! Asking yourself "why" and "how" and "what" over and over again won't help, so stop doing that, don't even ask, just…

Just do something! Anything! Try something before it's too late and the team loses because you're unable to do something right!

But the question remains: _what are you supposed to do?_

If thinking like the others doesn't work, _what are you supposed to do?_

If not thinking at all doesn't work, _what are you supposed to do?_

If trying your best doesn't work, _what are you supposed to do?_

If your _everything_ doesn't work, _**what are you supposed to do?!**_

You have no answer to any of these questions. You don't like to face failure. You don't want to see everyone disappointed in you because you're scared that they're going to reject you once everything's done, once their rightfully-so titular goalkeeper comes back. You're just a substitute, after all. A replacement they only need whenever something has gone wrong. If the situation had been right, if everything had gone as planned, you wouldn't be there, you'd be on the bench encouraging everyone, and it'd have been much better. You wouldn't be putting everyone's efforts in jeopardy like a filthy beginner.

_What are you supposed to do, then, huh?_

Fight, of course. Do something for it. But what if it doesn't work? What if it fails, you fail, everyone fails and in the end you're all stomped over? What would they say? What would you become? What would happen, what would be? Why can't you reply to any of these questions? Do you truly have no idea, or are you just too much of a coward to face these ideas and suggestions? Why are you this dumb?

In the end, you forget how to answer questions, how to breathe, how to properly bring oxygen to your lungs while it seems to flood from it quicker than you can get it back, and you just end up freezing up because you don't know what this thing is, the thing you're supposed to do that everyone has in them around you, the thing which is nothing to you because you have no idea what it can even look like. You don't know much, you've always been the youngest of them all and the one who knows nothing, who has to be taught everything.

Instead of breathing, you'll just hyperventilate, because there is no answer to your questions.


End file.
